I recently heard a guy (Bo Eason) speak about commitment in an interesting way. He was talking about commitment in general (and in particular rising in the sports world) but he used his analogy to refer to marriage as well. He talked about prison inmates and the difference between those who were in for a period of time and those who were ‘lifers’. Those who are in for a certain period of time are not interested in their current space. They are looking to get out. The difference is that those who are lifers, as soon as the door slams on their cell, they have accepted their sentence and immediately start to decorate their space. They are there for life and it effects their commitment to their space and their life inside. Sometimes I hear couples talk about their relationship in a way that says, “if we make it” or “providing we are still together”. These are not people who have fully accepted their commitment. They are still looking outward and therefore find it difficult to begin to ‘decorate’ their marriage, so to speak. They are not yet ‘lifers’. Where are you in that? Do you hear yourself reflecting your lifer status and do you see yourself ‘decorating’ the space of your marriage or are you reflecting your ‘non lifer’ status in your language and behaviour? Pay attention to that as it makes all the difference as to whether your relationship is going to go the distance or not. It makes all the difference as to whether you have the kind of stable attachment relationship that will allow you to flourish in your life or not. It makes a difference as to where you prioritize your relationship skill building. Make a change where it is needed today.
How to Love Well Posts
Relationship Triggers – How to Use Them Well
We are often triggered in life and mostly we look at triggers in a negative way. When triggered negatively, we find ourselves having a quick – what feels like a negative response to something from our past that can send us spiraling downward. These triggers are often from unresolved issues in our lives. But we also have spontaneous triggers that we enjoy such as a scent or scene that reminds us of a past event that we experience as a great memory. Because we know that triggers work well in the brain, we can use this knowledge to set up triggers deliberately for good in our relationship. When we want to make a change in ourselves regarding our relationship, we can set up triggers that effectively help us to make that change. For instance, I often recommend to my clients who bring their stress home from the office to find a stop sign close to home (a trigger) to dump their stress and undone ‘to do’ lists, knowing they can pick everything up on the way back to work the next day, if necessary. You can use triggers in other positive ways. What would you like to change in your relationship? Who would you like to be as a partner? How would you like to show up for your partner? Would you like to be a better listener, more supportive, more demonstrative in your affection? Choose one characteristic that you know would make a big difference in your relationship. You can use a trigger to remind you of that characteristic for the next month. For instance, you could use the door you walk into when you arrive home to trigger you of that word and your intention to carry out that characteristic when you walk through the door. Use that door as your trigger for the next month and see how this works. This is a great way to make a change that is easy and works well. Go forth in be wonderful in your relationship today!
Pets that Add Meaning to Our Couple and Family Bonding
It is fall and I am missing the family dog Kirby. It has been awhile since she has been gone, dying of old age. Kirby was a lovely chocolate brown lab that belonged to my son and his family. I was privileged to be the sitter when the family was away and the sanctuary cabin when Kirby got older and the company and their lively puppies became too much for her. We were all, including lots of friends and other family – very attached to her – she had that way about her. We have all been grieving some time over the loss of her. I have many clients who are struggling with the grief of their pet and they can be quite surprised by the depth of emotion evoked by the loss of their pet. It is a shared experience and very real for many of us.
You have probably read pieces titled, “10 things my cat or my dog or my rabbit or whomever taught me”. I was thinking about my relationship with Kirby and all of her characteristics that enriched me. I think that these memories and characteristics do have meaning for our lives and relationships. As with all labs, water was very attractive to Kirby. One of her favourite places was the cabin right on the ocean. She had the idea that when I drove up to her house for any reason, that there could be a chance that she would be hitching a ride to the cabin. She quickly made her desires known that she would be more then glad to join me by jumping into the car and settling where she could, between the packing. On hot days, I would open the window for her and she loved the smells of the journey and the wind on her face. As soon as we arrived at the marina, her tail would be wagging like crazy and she would reacquaint herself with the scents of the paths that other animals had taken, while I unpacked to go to the boat. Kirby was not so fond of the boat ride over to the island as she had some motion sickness. However, she was not going to let a little thing like that stop her and she quickly made her way on to the boat. She often jumped off the boat before it had been securely tied and was looking in the water for any sticks that she might dive into the water for. Fun was her priority. When we arrived at the cabin, and after she had made sure we were staying, she sniffed out all her favourite haunts and then she found a warm place to stretch out and have a little nap.
One of Kirby’s greatest joys and appreciation was food. She knew how to celebrate feasting. I had such fun planning for, purchasing and cooking for Kirby. She loved the giant Christmas bone waiting for her each Christmas. She was very adept at unwrapping the Christmas treats awaiting her. She loved the steak I packed for her for the cabin and the treats in between. When her food ran out next door, she was very happy to have people food cooked for her. Apparently even after I left and went home, Kirby would bark at my cabin door, hoping she would find some gourmet food instead of boring old kibble she had at her cabin.
I remember when the kids were little, how much patience Kirby had with them. One of my favourite memories is of my granddaughter Clara sitting on the floor with her legs apart(she was not of walking age). Kirby would get a ball and pass it back and forth just the few inches that Clara would roll the ball to her. Kirby was happy to do this forever, way past when Clara was done! I remember Kirby’s patience as both my next grandsons would lay all over her and love her and she took it all in. She was very very responsive to compliments and patting and rubs on her back. She would have conversations with you where you would talk and she would answer. You would be sure that she knew what you were talking about together. She was very attached to my son and his family. Her security rested in their presence and relationship. Even though she was happy to be with me she was really connected to my son’s family, her owners. When they left her with me she was very diligent in her watching for the vision and sound of their boat. She did not leave her spot under the trees where she would watch and wait for hours. She knew how to be loyal and loving.
As mentioned, Kirby loved any kind of water play. Even at a very advanced age where she had difficulty walking, she did not let that stop her enjoyment of water. She would still swim for balls and sticks and would follow behind the rowboat as the kids went out for the crab trap and to visit other islands. She knew how to take the time for fun and to engage anyone else she could to join her. I think we all engaged at some point or another, in Kirby’s obsession with flying sticks. I remember when she was a pup that she was fearless in her cliff jumping in the water and would end the day with red rimmed eyes and a wildly wagging tail.
Like the rest of us, she did have some fears. She was very afraid of thunder and lightening and would be very restless and try to find a spot that would enclose her and be close to me when she was visiting me. During the actual storm (which I loved) she would wake me up and dive under my legs between the bed and me, making a cozy nest while she rode out the storm comforted by another. She knew where to find comfort and safety in the presence of those who cared for her.
It was so good to have Kirby as part of my life and I feel blessed by what she added to me by being a part of my life journey. I loved who she was to me and to her family and I miss her today. I know there are others who are also grieving their pets as I speak with you often. I hope this sparks your memories and that you will celebrate the memories as I do of Kirby.
Own and Embrace Your Role as a Partner
I am sometimes amazed when couples come to my office and the important but extraneous parts of their lives have taken over from the vitally important relationship parts of their lives. They are very busy professionals and have agendas for their professional lives but have none for their relationship lives. They have not owned or embraced their role as a partner. There is no time set apart for a date night (no time). They have lost the element of support and empathy for each other (no energy) and sometimes no longer even make love. If that is you, it is time to prioritize your relationship role in your schedule and life. The question needs to be asked of your partner, how can I support you better? How can I love you better? The answer to that question needs to be seen on your calendar, prioritized just like the rest of your life. Life is not never ending and the value you place on your relationship role needs to be honored all the way through your life. Claim your daily agenda. Make sure it is not driven by others but by your values where you increasingly feel congruent by the way you spend your time and by how you feel you are doing in your role as a great partner. Keep on Practicing acts of love with your partner as you are growing into that role as part of becoming more of your best self.
Tips for Getting Unstuck
I wonder why people do not make goals for their relationships as they do for other parts of their lives. When you were going out together at the beginning of your relationship, you put the best of yourself forward. As time has gone on, sometimes your best is reserved for others and your partner gets the worst of you. It might be time for you to become unstuck in this area. Revitalize your relationship by deciding on how you want to be when you show up in your relationship. Use some of the knowledge gained from high performance research to make those goals happen. The first is visualizing your goals – mentally walking through the process of arriving home and being at your best. Shelley E. Taylor at the Univeristy of California found that those who actually visualize how the change will happen (what needs to happen daily) were nearly 2x more likely to succeed in their goals then those who simply looked at the end result of what they wanted (like doing a vision board with the end in mind).
Secondly, the Hope theory by Charles Richard Snyder of the University of Kansas is helpful. I find that those who are stuck in relationship will often lose hope and begin to think perhaps they are not meant to be. Hope is something you need to generate. Snyder found that hopeful thinking has 3 parts. One is setting goals. A second is creating a pathway to reach your goals. And thirdly you need to believe you can achieve those goals. So do not just depend on your will power because I am sure you have done that before. But think about the way power.
The last tip I will leave you with is that the goal must be a deeply held value. When you committed to your relationship, what were the values involved in that? Was connection, love, relationship, service to those you love all there? If so, recommit to those values and do the above to find some way power to get unstuck.
We are fighting our brain when we begin a new habit but as you keep practicing your new behavior a new neural pathway forms and it becomes more your default position. The more you practice the more deeply ingrained that pathway becomes. Go forth and be Wonderful Today!
Defensiveness in Relationships
John Gottman’s research found that defensiveness was one of 4 important ways that relationships break down. If you are the person in the relationship that is defensive, it is so important that you take care of this in yourself so that the relationship is not damaged. Often when one person in the relationship brings up something negative, (more…)
Spice Up Your Relationship
I love September. Maybe it is a leftover from having kids going back to school but it seems to me it is like New Years. A time of opportunity and change. I get re-enthused about my blogging and want to start some new courses for the fall and develop new programs to help you. One of the coming programs is an on line course based on John Gottman’s research and his book called ‘Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ that I am currently putting together. More to come on that. This morning it was foggy for the first time, a sure sign of fall where I live. It adds a bit of mystery to the morning world and I was thinking how fun that was. Variety is important to us as humans and keeps our brain healthy. I wondered what newness, mystery or opportunity you can facilitate in your relationship and your life for this season? Sit down together and pull out the calendar. Without this step it is not likely to happen. Brainstorm some possibities that you might like to do together this fall. Perhaps you can go away for the weekend or join a class together. You are really only limited by your brainstorming so go for it! Use the momentum of the natural change in the season to spice up your relationship and tune up the connection between you! Do something different and add some health and mystery to your relationship. Mark it in the calendar! Go forth and be wonderful!
Be Aware of Your Capacity to Affect Your Partner’s Emotional and Physical Health?
Brain research shows us that we are much more relational then we thought we were and so much a part of “we” in the world then we previously thought. What that means in relationship is that we have the potential to effect our partner for good or for bad. I remember when I was in grad school, long before we had the great brain research we have today, we did a little experiment. In the greater class the professor asked for a volunteer. He tested this person’s energy / strength by pressing down on their arm, while the person pushed up. We then sent the person out of the room, closed the door and thought negative thoughts about them. At that point the volunteer returned to the room and the professor tested their energy / strength again using the same method. The volunteer’s muscles were too weak to hold their arm up at all. As she did not know what we were doing, she was greatly surprised (as were we!). We then sent the poor soul back out of the room again and thought positive thoughts about them. When tested again, their muscles were strong again. I remember being amazed at the impact we could have on others, just with our silent thoughts.
That seems pretty profound to me. Are you taking that responsibility on in your relationship? Is it your intention to watch out for your partner’s emotional health? Do you direct your energy towards positive interactions together? Do you think positive thoughts about your partner often? Do you give your partner the loving gift of your touch? One idea that I recently heard was to choose a couple of words that you want to be for your partner and whenever you are about to connect with your partner you bring to mind those 2 words that you intend to be for your partner. For instance, if I chose loving and supportive, when I walked into the house at the end of the day, I would be sure to give my partner a loving touch, say words of love such as I missed you today and then I would see what I might do to support him or her in our time together. These ideas are some ideas that Gottman found in his research to predict whether or not your relationship will sustain and be happy. Use this information to go forth and be wonderful today!
Jack Sprat could eat no fat…
Jack Sprat could eat no fat…
Today’s blog is about differences and how to handle them in long term relationships. At first most differences are delightful in our partner. Those we don’t find so delightful we are able to put aside. It may not be long, however, when those differences loom up in a negative way and we start to let them separate us. Or perhaps we begin a long campaign to change the other person, creating difficult dynamics in the relationship. When I am talking about differences here, I am not talking about issues such as drugs alcohol, affairs, violence, or other issues that will threaten or betray the attachment that you have. I am talking about the everyday differences that can be irritating. One of the best ways to think about differences between you is to decide to honour them and to make sure they do not play a part in disconnecting you. Let’s take an example that can certainly become disconnecting for some couples. John is a meat lover and Jen is a vegetarian. At first they managed by each making their own dinner and doing their own grocery shopping. It was disconnecting in that they were not a team while doing this. Soon, Jen started making disparaging, in fact, remarks of disgust when John’s meal was being prepared (gagging over the smell of the food). John came back with as good as he got and they each became more isolated and hurt. They were now preparing their meals at different times, not eating together and/or eating out a lot.
What would honouring their differences look like?
• Accepting what is important to each of you. In this case, John and Jen would need to accept each other’s values around food. Part of that acceptance is to know that your opinion is not superior to your partners and that many different bodies need different nutrition and over many millennium people have had different preferences.
• Begin to become a team in your differences. Shop together or shop for each other. Watch out for special foods your partner might like. This act says I accept you and care about what you like.
• Cook together. Chop and dice for each other. Try out recipes that can have meat or vegetables added to the dish so that you are sharing some tastes together. Have an attitude of curiosity about the other’s preferences. This says we are in this together.
• Be grateful for the many parts of the food that you are sharing. For the farmers, the soil, the animals – all that go into your meal together. Gratitude and criticism cannot share the same space together.
This example (although very difficult for some couples) is just one example that you can use to find ways to honour each other’s differences. Remember the example of Jack Sprat…
Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
And so betwixt them both you see
They licked the platter clean
Take this as a great metaphor on how you can manage your differences in a way that the whole is greater then the sum of the parts. Go forth and be wonderful!
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