How To Improve Your Relationship Communication Posts

01Sep
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A Review of the Book “Eight Dates”

This is a Review of the Excellent Book by John and Julie Gottman and Doug and Rachel Abrams, called, “Eight Dates, Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”. The book aims to help many types of couples, those married recently, for a long time, those considering a partnership and those who are living together. The authors crafted exact templates for talking about what research has found to be the 8 essential topics for a joyful and fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time. Like most relationship experts, including me, we advocate regular date nights. This book looks at how you can have meaningful conversations on date nights that are aimed at drawing you closer together.

I hear lots of complaints in my private practice regarding the feeling of couples slipping into the roommate mode where conversations are just about bills and kids. This book really helps you to go deeper and have more satisfying conversations which help you to keep your relationship fresh and emotionally intimate. The Date topics covered are; Trust and Commitment, Addressing Conflict, Sex and Intimacy, Work and Money, Family, Fun and Adventure, Growth and Spirituality, and Dreams.

The book begins with giving you some guidance on skills for making a success at this dating adventure, including words for deep conversations with your mate and how to listen well. Each subject gives you some information on why this subject is important and gives you a small teaching. There may also be surveys that you answer that help you to decide where you are now. Then at the end of each topic section, the book gives you a blueprint of the “how” you can have a great conversation on the topic. How great is that!

The book facilitates your creativity in both dates away from home with great suggestions for inexpensive or free dates as well as those that are not. It also helps you to have successful date nights at home. I like the way the book is laid out in that it gives you a summary at the end of each topic which can continue to stimulate your thinking. I recommend this lovely skinny little book wholeheartedly!

Go forth and Be Wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication and tagged with , ,
18Nov
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Book Review of The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman

What are the Five Love Languages? This is a quick summary of the book, The 5 Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman. The information in this book is important to everyone who loves and from my perspective, the book needs to be purchased and put on your bookshelf to reread over time. It is a simple read and a skinny book, which works well for busy couples. I cannot recommend it enough.

Dr. Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how they each both give and receive love. I have found that couples have come to my office who actually love each other but one or the others “feels” unloved. Dr. Chapman’s research showed that this occurs when couples are missing the mark with each others language of love. They do not think the same or feel the same about giving and receiving love. One part of the couple might be quite astounded at the information that their partner feels unloved, believing that they have been doing this and doing that consistently in the name of love. Unfortunately, although their partner likely felt appreciation, they did not feel loved by these actions. You can see that knowing your partner’s language of love is important information to be able to love your partner well and have a solid foundation for the partnership to go forward and to keep each other’s “love tank” filled.


The Book Describes the Following Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

If this is your primary love language, you feel well loved when your partner uses words of affirmation, love, and appreciation consistently in your relationship.

2. Acts of Service

If this is your primary love language, you feel well loved when your partner takes the time and effort to do something for you. Whatever your regular role is in the relationship does not count in the same way. So if your partner normally cooks and you normally clean the kitchen and dishes, that is not it. But if you offer to watch the kids while your partner goes to the gym or you fill up the gas in your partner’s car or other acts that are not part of your role, that feels like love to you.

3. Affection

If this is your primary love language, you feel well loved when your partner uses affectionate touching on a consistent basis. Snuggling on the couch, Holding hands and connecting in every way physically reassures you that you are loved.

4. Quality Time

If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when you are spending time together, connecting. Your partner is fully present and engaged with you in whatever activity you are sharing, no matter how trivial. This confirms your connection and you feel especially loved.

5. Gifts

If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when your partner gives you a gift. It is not about the size of the gift. It could be as simple as a card or your favorite chocolate bar. The meaning is that while you were away from me, you were thinking of me and that makes me feel especially loved.

It is important that if you do not have the book edition that has the test within it, that you go online and take the test at www.5lovelanguages.com/profile. It is sometimes hard for us to decipher our partner’s language of love as well as our own and so this assessment is helpful. Remember that we often appreciate all the gestures of love but we will often have a primary language with a secondary language that goes straight to our heart and says, “you are loved”. Remember too that your partner’s language of love might be quite foreign to your language of love and you may need to program your phone to remember to use that language of love until it becomes a habit.

If your relationship is in trouble, this information is one of the most important pieces of information to help repair the relationship and restore the security of the love relationship. It also helps a relationship that is pretty good to become great. Get the book, read it and apply it in all kinds of places in your life. But in the meantime, you can start to practice being a great lover with the brief information offered here. Go Forth and BE Wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication and tagged with , , ,
07Oct
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Thanksgiving – An Opportunity to be Grateful for Your Partner

One of the hallmarks of those who are living fully and experiencing happiness is that they are able to be present to opportunities to be grateful. Thanksgiving is such a great reminder to look at the many blessings we all have and to be thankful to God for them. I remember reading Victor Frankl’s book about his time in a concentration camp in the war and the impact it had on me. He talked about having very little to eat except broth. Some people were able to be grateful for the little they had and others were fearful and not able to be grateful and what a big difference this meant regarding their very survival over time. We know now that the brain reacts to gratitude in a positive way towards happiness and our biology follows suit. We know that our sense of spirituality is affected by our ability to notice and be grateful. As we are present and noticing we become more connected to Love. Your relationships with your partner and your family is one of the greatest blessings that you have. Take this day to remember past good memories together – they often get lost in the challenges of life. Bring them to mind and be thankful for them. Look at the characteristics that your partner has that you appreciate. There are many. Look at their values, their good intentions, their care for you and your family. Be grateful that they are willing to share their life with you.  Express your gratitude out loud. Notice that the child in this picture looks filled with joy in every part of him at his experience of a found pumpkin – we can learn from him. I hope you are able to find gratitude today amidst the wonderful traditions you may have (my turkey is beginning to smell great as I write this) as well as the challenges in your family that may bring sadness in your life. Our lives are not necessarily all easily felt blessings but sometimes take some work to find the blessings within the challenge. Sometimes families and health issues are a part of our lives that stretch us to find the places of gratitude but it is worth the effort to do so! My challenge to you today is to keep the gratitude expressions going for the next 2 weeks and see the difference that it makes for you and your relationship. Go forth and live fully!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication and tagged with , , ,
18Jan
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Repair Attempts

Repair attempts are so important in a relationship and are difficult for us to do. What Gottman found in in his 40 some years of couple research is that what most distinguished couples who were masters of relationships and those who were disasters of relationship was the way they handled conflict and repair attempts. Those who were masters at their relationship could deescalate the negative emotion in the conversation when the conversation went off track they could quickly make repairs. I remember years ago when I was in training watching hours of couples who were arguing (interesting pastime…). I remember how some couples were so good at deescalating by using humour or by distraction. I particularly remember one couple who were having an argument and right in the middle of it, the guy said to his partner, “Oh I really like your shoes – are they new?”. She responded that she really like them too and that yes they were new. When they continued their argument, the heat had gone out of their battle. So, if you are having difficulties in the area of arguing where might you look in order to grow this part of your relationship?

A great quote from John Gottman’s book, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, is “Whether a repair succeeds or fails has very little to do with how eloquent it is and everything to do with the state of the marriage.” (P41) What that means to you is that if your repair attempts are not working, look to the foundations in the marriage first, rather then the repair attempt structure itself. The foundations include all that would come under friendship. Do you take the date night in your relationship seriously? Do you know your partner’s struggles and wishes for life? Do you know and empathize with their daily work life either away or at home? Do you know what they worry about especially at night? What hurts them in the world? Do you provide a place of safety for them? Are they able to talk to you and be understood – not fixed. Do you touch them often to reassure them – you are there for them? It is in these circumstances that we are able to make better repairs. The reason for this is that the conflict does not have the same importance as the relationship does. It becomes “just an issue”, not a threat to the relationship. Remembering that sometimes issues get resolved right away and sometimes they evolve and change over time or we change and the issue changes. Think on this in your relationship today. Go forth and Be Wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication and tagged with , ,
17Oct
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Reducing Conflict by Telling Like it Really Is

Telling it like it is… used to be a saying that let us speak exactly what we were thinking, despite the consequences it might have in our relationships. It was worn like a badge of honesty. But when we are angry (mostly a secondary emotion), frustrated or blaming we are engaging in secondary emotions and this is only a part of the truth, if the truth at all. The real you is underneath in our primary emotions. When we communicate these emotions, we are really telling it like it is.
What are our primary emotions and how does this work? Researchers have found that we only have 6 primary emotions. They are sadness, surprise/excitement, disgust/shame, fear, joy and occasionally anger. Our first response when something triggers an emotion, is our primary emotion. The trigger, primary response and secondary emotion happens lightening fast. We will often find our primary emotions a place of vulnerability and openness. Our emotions are in a constant state of reappraisal and we will often cover our primary emotions over with our secondary emotions. You will notice this when you remember the last time you felt something intensely with your partner. As you think about your unmet expectation, or whatever your wound was in that moment, you will notice your emotions changing towards secondary emotions such as anger or blaming or victimization or a myriad of other emotions. You will notice that your secondary emotions close you up and you can sometimes feel more powerful but disconnected from communicating in a healthy way from your partner. This may be the conflict pattern that you and your partner have that may last a few days or weeks, where you do not communicate. You may be a person that has struggled with anger in a relationship. If that is the case, you are familiar with your defensiveness and often blaming which is disconnecting in your relationship. If you looked at your primary emotion that lies below your anger, you might find some fear or sadness. When you share your fear, sadness or shame with your partner, your partner is able to hear and connect with those emotions and your vulnerability that goes with that. They will find you open and it will be a connecting experience in your relationship rather then more fuel for conflict.

When you are learning this new way of communicating, sometimes it is difficult to get to your primary emotions. One way to begin is to guess at what might be underneath. Once you have some practice, you will find it easier to understand yourself in this regard. At first you may not do this well each time. If you don’t do this well in the moment and regret your secondary emotional response, make sure your repair with your partner includes sharing what was really going on. If you are the hearer of these emotions, you will likely relate to these deep emotions. Your response is important. Make sure you honour the gift of your partners sharing by creating emotional safety and treat the gift with a gentle and reassuring response. This creates continuing attachment security in your relationship which is what we all long for.

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication, How to Love Well and tagged with , ,
03Jul
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Bids for Connection Re-Visited

Bids for connection are so important for couples
to understand and attend to in their relationship. I have written about this before and it is well described in John Gottman’s book, “the Relationship Cure”. I am drawn to write about this again for 2 reasons. One is not just because of the importance of the habit but the amount that I notice couples making disconnections in this regard. Second is the newer research by John Gottman’s student who sets out a hierarchy of bids that I think are also important to know. First, let’s review what bids for connection are. As people who want to connect, we are continuously making bids for connection that are actually “trust tests”, according to Gottman. We respond to these bids either by turning towards our partner, thereby making connection, or turning away from our partner by ignoring, or against our partners by anger or other negative responses, thereby losing the connection. This loss of connection has great meaning in the overall status of the health of our human need for secure attachment as well as the health of our everyday lives together. Apparently, Janice Driver, using the Gottman study research (remember the love labs that gave us the great information found in the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work?) found that  couples who had divorced 6 years after their marriage had turned towards each other 33% of the time versus those who were not divorced after 6 years turned towards each other 86% of the time. A big difference and such crucial information if you care about your relationship. So how does the hierarchy of bids work? At the bottom of the hierarchy are the little trust tests, a small bid for attention, for instance. They are not so costly for us and just need a nod, a touch or some kind of acknowledgement. Another couple of examples are a bid for help at 3 and  sharing events of the day is an 8 on the scale. Halfway is problem solving at a 10. The last 4 up to 20 (the end of the scale) are the ones that couples  can have difficulties with. They are intimate conversation, emotional support, understanding (compassion, empathy) and sexual intimacy.  As couples are successful at lower levels where there is less risk, they are willing to move higher up the ladder to more vulnerability where the benefits get bigger. Another huge benefit was found by another student (Kim Ryan) who studied conflict and bids for connection. It was found that changing to more turning towards causes positive affect during conflict (the ability to have humor and affection – right in the middle of conflict!). This kind of positive affect in turn causes stability in relationship. I say learning the skill of meeting your partner’s bids for connection is worth doing! Go forth and Be Wonderful in your Relationship!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication, How to Love Well, Relationship Experts and tagged with , , ,
10Mar
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Tips for Getting out of the Criticism Contempt Loop

Being in the middle of a criticism contempt loop is so hard on couples. Gottman’s research shows that it is a direct cause of the break up of a relationship. The party who is the “criticizer” feels so justified and will often ask friends to affirm their thoughts and feelings. They have amassed a story that makes the other person unworthy to be alive and they may make a psychological diagnosis for their partner (my favorite). Their partner in return becomes defensive and then depending on their attachment style, avoids their partner, leaves the situation or moves in to the relationship intensely to ‘prove’ they are not that person. And the loop goes on.

People have often chosen a partner that is somewhat like one of their parents  and may be triggered by this criticism defensive loop. Even if their partner is not being harsh in their criticism, they may have been triggered by both the past and the present feelings in the interaction which causes greater wounding and a bigger response. If the criticizer has grown up with criticism, they will often not understand how often they are actually criticizing and how much they are responsible for crushing their partner’s spirit. So what are some ways to get out of this loop?

1. When your partner has spoken and you feel a big response to their words, assume that you have been triggered by something in your past as well as the present. Take responsibility for your big reaction. Do not blame or hold your partner responsible.

2. Take a time out for approximately 25 minutes in order to calm your physiology. It takes that long to calm emotional flooding. Make sure that you have let your partner know that you will return to your discussion after the time out. Do not think about the comments during that time.

3. Come back into the discussion with an attitude of curiosity. What is your partner trying to say to you? What is their message? Check it out. Let them correct you so that you can gain a much better understanding of what they are trying to say.

4. After understanding your partner well, let them know what you are thinking and feeling. Let them know of your vulnerability to criticism and thank them for helping you with a time out so that you could avoid defensiveness.

5. Have a discussion about trigger words for you both and areas of conversation that can lead to defensiveness. Do not avoid these areas but understand each other’s vulnerabilities and how you can speak more carefully. Download the pithy little rule book for satisfying marital conversations on the right side of this website in order to understand words that are more sensitive.

Do the above diligently, until you can successfully mange conversations that are sensitive. The rewards are that you will feel understood, that you will feel you can understand your partner and that your connection will feel strengthened.

 

 

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication, How to Love Well and tagged with , , ,
18Feb
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Learning to be Attuned with Your Partner

So many challenges occur in relationships when couples are not attuned to each other. John Gottman has used the beginning letters of the word attunement to describe attunement itself. The first letter stands for awareness. Being aware when there is tension between you and taking the time to work it out. Being aware of your partner’s vulnerabilities to being triggered by you is important. Being aware of the way you speak to your partner, softening your approach and re-interpreting your partner’s harsher approach to their feelings of need or wishes in the relationship. The letter “T” stands for tolerance. This is a mindset that says that there is value in my partner’s perspective even if i don’t see it. I will respect his/her perspective. The next “T” stands for transforming criticism into wishes. Look for the need your partner is trying to express when you feel criticized. The “U” stands for using understanding rather then a problem solving mindset. It is so important that your partner is able to express their experience without you trying to fix it. The “N” stands for non defensive listening. If this is a challenge you came with from your life experience – you may need to take a time out or do some deep breathing in the moment. Good self talk is also helpful here such as “we are in this together – we care about each other “etc. And finally the “E” stands for empathy. This is a mindset that sets aside one’s own world view to become curious about your partner’s world view and experience (like taking off your glasses and putting their glasses on and looking at their world) and to be able to articulate an understanding of that experience. Where do you think you are in your attunement to one another? Rate yourself and ask your partner to rate you. Have a great discussion about how you can improve in each of these areas to boost your attunement to each other. Take each of these areas as a challenge for change and Go forth and be wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication, How to Love Well and tagged with , , ,
20Nov
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Relationship Triggers – How to Use Them Well

We are often triggered in life and mostly we look at triggers in a negative way. When triggered negatively, we find ourselves having a quick – what feels like a negative response to something from our past that can send us spiraling downward. These triggers are often from unresolved issues in our lives. But we also have spontaneous triggers that we enjoy such as a scent or scene that reminds us of a past event that we experience as a great memory. Because we know that triggers work well in the brain, we can use this knowledge to set up triggers deliberately for good in our relationship. When we want to make a change in ourselves regarding our relationship, we can set up triggers that effectively help us to make that change. For instance, I often recommend to my clients who bring their stress home from the office to find a stop sign close to home (a trigger) to dump their stress and undone ‘to do’ lists, knowing they can pick everything up on the way back to work the next day, if necessary. You can use triggers in other positive ways. What would you like to change in your relationship? Who would you like to be as a partner? How would you like to show up for your partner? Would you like to be a better listener, more supportive, more demonstrative in your affection? Choose one characteristic that you know would make a big difference in your relationship.  You can use a trigger to remind you of that characteristic for the next month. For instance, you could use the door you walk into when you arrive home to trigger you of that word and your intention to carry out that characteristic when you walk through the door. Use that door as your trigger for the next month and see how this works. This is a great way to make a change that is easy and works well. Go forth in be wonderful in your relationship today!

Posted by Lynda in How To Improve Your Relationship Communication, How to Love Well, How To Make Your Relationship Work and tagged with , , ,
11Sep
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Your Best in Relationship

Would your partner say that you show up in the relationship feeling engaged, energetic and enthusiastic? We could say that your emotions are experienced by your partner in at least 2 ways. One is the quality of the emotions you bring. Are they positive or negative? When you come together as a couple are you communicating your affection, your love and your gladness at being together again? Or do you come together with the day’s cares and grumpiness from work events? If you were honest, would you say that you are not communicating your attachment and connection for your partner in a way that increases the security of the relationship together in the quality of your emotional engagement?

 The other quality of emotional experience that your partner registers is the intensity of the emotions you bring to the relationship. This too can range from barely there to a high intensity. You know the old cartoon where there is a newspaper propped up at a table and the female partner is talking to the back of the newspaper not even realizing there is no one there. The relationship pattern is so lacking in intensity of emotion that the person is not there period and the partner is not noticing the difference.  The updated version to that is that our partners are glued to their phone or computer and ‘not there’ as well. This communication of low intensity does not communicate your love and affection effectively, in fact not at all. I find in my practice that couples argue about this a great deal. It is most often both of the partners that experience this lack of intensity and will bring it up as an issue for change. Remember that our attachment experience needs the reassurance of our partner’s affection and connection daily. It needs to be “you can count on me to be there for you”. It has to be a commitment on our part especially when we are coming and going from each other. You may understand that magic 20 minutes that you and your partner need together to communicate but you may not have thought about how you were showing up to these times in terms of emotional quality and intensity. Become aware today and make this small change that makes a big difference. Communicate your love and attachment to your partner well. Go forth and be wonderful!

Posted by Lynda in Healthier Marriages, How To Improve Your Relationship Communication, How to Love Well, How To Make Your Relationship Work and tagged with , ,
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