loving well Posts

Book Review of The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman

What are the Five Love Languages? This is a quick summary of the book, The 5 Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman. The information in this book is important to everyone who loves and from my perspective, the book needs to be purchased and put on your bookshelf to reread over time. It is a simple read and a skinny book, which works well for busy couples. I cannot recommend it enough.

Dr. Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how they each both give and receive love. I have found that couples have come to my office who actually love each other but one or the others “feels” unloved. Dr. Chapman’s research showed that this occurs when couples are missing the mark with each others language of love. They do not think the same or feel the same about giving and receiving love. One part of the couple might be quite astounded at the information that their partner feels unloved, believing that they have been doing this and doing that consistently in the name of love. Unfortunately, although their partner likely felt appreciation, they did not feel loved by these actions. You can see that knowing your partner’s language of love is important information to be able to love your partner well and have a solid foundation for the partnership to go forward and to keep each other’s “love tank” filled.


The Book Describes the Following Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Affirmation

If this is your primary love language, you feel well loved when your partner uses words of affirmation, love, and appreciation consistently in your relationship.

2. Acts of Service

If this is your primary love language, you feel well loved when your partner takes the time and effort to do something for you. Whatever your regular role is in the relationship does not count in the same way. So if your partner normally cooks and you normally clean the kitchen and dishes, that is not it. But if you offer to watch the kids while your partner goes to the gym or you fill up the gas in your partner’s car or other acts that are not part of your role, that feels like love to you.

3. Affection

If this is your primary love language, you feel well loved when your partner uses affectionate touching on a consistent basis. Snuggling on the couch, Holding hands and connecting in every way physically reassures you that you are loved.

4. Quality Time

If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when you are spending time together, connecting. Your partner is fully present and engaged with you in whatever activity you are sharing, no matter how trivial. This confirms your connection and you feel especially loved.

5. Gifts

If this is your primary love language, you feel most loved when your partner gives you a gift. It is not about the size of the gift. It could be as simple as a card or your favorite chocolate bar. The meaning is that while you were away from me, you were thinking of me and that makes me feel especially loved.

It is important that if you do not have the book edition that has the test within it, that you go online and take the test at www.5lovelanguages.com/profile. It is sometimes hard for us to decipher our partner’s language of love as well as our own and so this assessment is helpful. Remember that we often appreciate all the gestures of love but we will often have a primary language with a secondary language that goes straight to our heart and says, “you are loved”. Remember too that your partner’s language of love might be quite foreign to your language of love and you may need to program your phone to remember to use that language of love until it becomes a habit.

If your relationship is in trouble, this information is one of the most important pieces of information to help repair the relationship and restore the security of the love relationship. It also helps a relationship that is pretty good to become great. Get the book, read it and apply it in all kinds of places in your life. But in the meantime, you can start to practice being a great lover with the brief information offered here. Go Forth and BE Wonderful!

Still Trying to Change Your Partner?

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

What a great truth! Loving well can be difficult for us to do. I notice that in sitting with couples that one or both partners want their partner to change in some way and have let their partners know over and over regarding this change. I am not talking about major issues such as violence or addictions which must change in order to have a marriage. I am talking about the everyday issues that can add up and distance us if we let them. A small example might be that one partner believes that the shoes belong in the closet where they do not trip over them when they walk in the door or that when their partner has finished with their tea, they need to put their cup in the dishwasher. This may happen for years as it becomes a power struggle between the couple and interferes with their view of their partner and their love connection. We forget that our partner is not us and that they do not necessarily share our values about shoes and cups in dishwashers etc. Yes, we do need to work some of these issues out satisfactorily but they cannot come between us in a way that we are trying to have our partner become who we are. Spending constant time trying to change our partner over years begins to erode the love that we have together. Spending time problem solving over these issues or getting some of what we may want can be helpful. For instance, purchasing a basket by the door that your partner can throw his or her shoes in might be a partial solution. Picking them up yourself in a spirit of love can work. Acceptance of your partner’s differences is the key. These issues become even more difficult when there are kids from another relationship and you are trying to set some boundaries that they are not used to. Spending more time affirming and enjoying who are partner is (or our partner’s kids) helps to cement attachment. Changing the way we frame our partner and enjoying their quirks and differences as separate from the way we are, increases the satisfaction in our relationships. It creates the kind of safety that over time, helps our partner want to change those very small details of our lives together. Write out the above quote and see where you might make a difference in this area of your loving.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day! As Charlie Brown says, “All you need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt” (Charles M. Schultz). It is terrific that we have this day to mark a celebration of love of all types. Once again, it gives us opportunities to pause and affirm our connections with our partners and our loved ones.

The Catholic Church has a number of Valentine saints and there are some different legends about how Valentine’s Day started. I like this one. Valentine was a priest in the 3rd century when Emperor Claudius II was ruling Rome. Claudius decided that men who had no wives or family were better suited to fight in war. He then made a ruling that no young men could marry. Valentine was a priest during this time, and felt the injustice of this decree. He continued to perform marriages in secret for young men and their lovers. When he was discovered, Claudius II had him put to death and Valentine became a Saint in honour of love.

Make sure you take some moments to celebrate those whom you love in simple but thoughtful and special ways. We have talked about languages of love in other posts but keep in mind that the traditions of Valentine’s Day (gifts) may not be your partner’s language of love. Giving the gift with an addition of words of love (your own) or loving touch or having some real quality time etc. can always be added to your gift to help your partner feel truly loved.

For those of you who have difficulty being romantic, I have completed my 6 Week program for men in helping to increase romance in their relationships. If this seems like something you would like in your relationship, Please click the link below for more information. I have seen some delightful changes in people’s relationships as a result of this program. Enjoy!