We have just come out of one of the busiest months for families – the month of June. I wanted to write a bit about what I am finding couples struggling with recently. Couples are so amazingly busy with so many obligations and roles today. It is hard to stay connected and to find a way to work as a team. Fortunately, I have so many examples of couples who have been succesful at this in their lives to make me keep my own hope up. I wish I could have them give their wisdom in person to my suffering couples. Suffering couples have more feelings of frustration and feeling victimized by their partner and feeling as if they are doing more of the load then their partner. They feel alone in the life they are trying to create. They feel either unsupported or engulfed by the other person. So how do these successful couples create team in their relationship?
First is their mindset. You have to start here. You know you have personal vulnerabilities and patterns from your past and your present mindset. You are operating on beliefs that won’t get you what you want. So start here. What are some examples of vulnerabities that get in the way of team?
Here is a small collection of vulnerabilities that get in the way:
*you believe that you always need to feel in control or in charge
*you believe that at any moment your partner is going to abandon you
*you believe that you must assert your rights or you will lose, you must say no first, you must defend
*you believe that if your partner is not meeting your immediate need that they do not love or support you
*you operate on your feelings; you FEEL alone, therefore it must be true
*you believe that your partner is the problem so you spend time analyzing and blaming them, having thoughts of “if they didn’t”
*lots more… know your own
So first you need to make a decision. Do you want to live like a successful team together where you each know the other has their back? Where you know your partner is with you in the day to day challenges? Where you know you can do more together then you can apart? That you feel safe when you are together, knowing you will both support your mutual goals? That you feel securely loved?
If so, you will need to make a decision to challenge your vulnerabilities. How will you manage your automatic response when it is bubbling up quickly in response to a pattern in your relationship?
1. Stop -notice your response, both the feelings and what you are saying to yourself.
2. Grey out the emotional reasoning, the black and white thinking and the defensiveness. No -your partner does not always do that (black and white thinking) and no that is not what your partner said, that you don’t know how to take the garbage out, I can’t do anything right (emotional reasoning) but what he/she actually said was, could you pick up the pieces of garbage that fell out under the sink?
3. Believe your partner has good intentions towards you.
4. Self sooth. Replace your negative self talk with talk that reminds you that this is just an issue, that you will come through this, that everything will be okay.
5. Let your partner know about your feelings in a non-blaming way. Ask your partner for reassurance that you can work this out together.
Try this out together. Partners can do this. If you continue to struggle, go get some therapy so that you can begin a new pattern together!
Go forth and be wonderful!
Being in the middle of a criticism contempt loop is so hard on couples. Gottman’s research shows that it is a direct cause of the break up of a relationship. The party who is the “criticizer” feels so justified and will often ask friends to affirm their thoughts and feelings. They have amassed a story that makes the other person unworthy to be alive and they may make a psychological diagnosis for their partner (my favorite). Their partner in return becomes defensive and then depending on their attachment style, avoids their partner, leaves the situation or moves in to the relationship intensely to ‘prove’ they are not that person. And the loop goes on.
not easily accessed. Our friends from childhood and the memories of our childhood are often distant too. It is important to our health as a couple that we find a way to touch our roots and to make new roots when we need to. When we are not connected and try to be everything to each other, it does not work well. Marriages need a social circle with rituals that we can count on. We need to keep in touch with our families by phone or skype. Make trips both ways to connect with each other. Taking this seriously affects our mental health in every way. It affects our chemistry. Touching someone you love reduces pain. With married couples, the stronger the marriage, the more powerful the effect. There is so much research to help us take this seriously. For instance, five hugs a day for four weeks increases our happiness. When researchers put people in a stressful situation and then let them visit loved ones or talk to them on the phone or in person, they felt supported and their bodies responded as they reported that they felt better. And if you think that texting works the same, apparently not. In this research, they also had people texting their loved ones. If they texted, their bodies responded biologically as if they had no support at all. As I have blogged about before, connecting has huge health benefits all around.
